Can’t stop, won’t stop running

I put my alarm on for  5:30 am to wake up with the intention of going out for a run first thing in the morning. I sit in bed the night before and set my alarm then my head hits the pillow. But my eyes shoot open. I can’t sleep. I have spent the day working, studying, running around doing errands, and, of course, trying to find a little bit of time for me (Netflix!).

I come up with a laundry list of things I need to do tomorrow: I need to grab hummus, that would be good to add to a snack in the afternoon with crackers; I need to grab my shoe from the cobblers; I need to make sure I drink more water. Also, I need to make sure to finish off some data input templates at work; need to create a project plan; and, of course, be prepared for all the meetings. I should really stop wear stockings because they keep ripping. Why do stockings rip and only last one day? I need to finish off reading a portion of my textbook for my course, at least 20 pages. I can do that on the subway ride into work and back from work. That will cover me.

My head doesn’t stop making lists. I turn over and its 2 am. I need to wake up in 3.5 hours. Somehow, I find myself drifting away to be woken up by this very loud sound. I lean over and turn off my alarm, not snooze, but right off. I wake up startled by the sun and look over at my phone. It’s 7 am. I jump out of bed and start getting ready for work. No time to run, so I need to do it in the evening.

That’s fine. I will read on the way into work, I will go to my meetings, grab my shoe at lunch, continue to work, then study on the way home, groceries (need my hummus), then run. Okay new list made.

By the time 7:30 pm hits, I haven’t picked up my shoes or done as much reading as I thought I would have. I have worked all day and now it is time to go home. I get on the subway, exhausted from meetings and with work that I doze off on the subway. Just get a little bit of shuteye. I step off the subway and decide today isn’t the day for a run. I am about to message my coach, and then I feel guilty. I want to run, I do, but I have no energy. Why not do it tomorrow morning, turn in early, and just wake up at 5:30 for a run. That’s OK, right?

I get home and I put down my bag, and the guilt starts to eat away. Why did I sign up for a marathon? A MARATHON! Why! I love my coach and she has put so much energy into making sure she has set up a training plan for me that works. It’s only 7 km today. There are so many people in the world that would want to be in your shoes right now and be able to say they can run a marathon, or even have the opportunity to run. If you want to raise money this year, then you need to make it to the finish line for a lot of those people to believe you can do it again next year.

THE WORLD WILL CRUMBLE IF YOU DON’T RUN.

My mind slides down a slippery slope . . . I put on my running clothes and shoes, then get on the treadmill. I get to watch a Netflix show while I run.

At 3 km, I question it all over again: Why did I sign up for a marathon?

At 5 km, I am at the point where I can’t hold myself up.

At 7km, I could go for another 7. What changed?

Absolutely nothing.

One thing I’ve realized is that only I am able to put up hurdles. Yes, busy lives do happen, but I can’t live that busy lifestyle without taking care of me. Putting me first. I run to be a better person. I run to make sure I can be out there supporting people who can’t run. I run to be a good example for my niece. I run because I can. And most importantly, I run because I want to. I want to be better and I want to finish a marathon in less than 4 hours. Nothing can stop me. This little monkey won’t stop running. That’s my promise to you.